Jim and Sandi's Scottish Page

Clan Thomson

"We're all Jock Tamson's bairns" suggests not only that we are all God's children and in the same boat, but that there are lots of Thomsons around. And indeed "son of Thom" has only recently dropped from 3rd to 4th place in the league of most common surnames in Scotland at the General Register Office in 1995. Thomson (without the 'p') is the most frequent spelling in Scotland; Thompson is found more in the North of England and Thomas in Wales.

The name is found most in central Scotland - there was a John Thomson in Ayrshire in 1318 who led part of Edward Bruce's invading army in Ireland on behalf of Robert the Bruce. There are Gaelic equivalents in MacTavish (son of Tammas) and McCombie (son of Tommy) and MacLehose is from the Gaelic 'mac gille Thoimis" or son of St Thomas.

Clan MacThomas was descended from Clan Chattan Mackintoshes and was based initially in Glenshee. The MacThomases supported King Charles I and the Marquis of Montrose but after the defeat of Montrose at the Battle of Philiphaugh, the chief withdrew his men and extended his influence into Glen Prosen and Strathardle. The chief approved of the stable government brought about by Oliver Cromwell and the Commonwealth. Consequently, after the Restoration of King Charles II the MacThomas fortunes declined and the clan drifted apart - some clansmen moving to the Lowlands and changing their name to Thomson or Thomas.

As I have said, Thomson is a fairly common surname in Scotland, usually spelt without the P that is common in the lowlands and in England. In the Gaelic-speaking Highlands the name is MacThómais. It is often anglicized as MacTavish, (some MacTavishes were called Taweson as well as Thomson). Spelling variations of this family name include: Thomson, Tomson, Tamson, Thomsoun, M'Comie and others.

First found in Ayrshire where they were seated as Lords of Kylne Kylle from about the year 1150.

Some of the first settlers of this family name or some of its variants were: Edward Thomson arrived on the "Mayflower" at Plymouth, Mass. in 1620; Andrew Thomson settled in Harbour Grace, Newfoundland, in 1801; Dugald Thomson settled in New York in 1739.

Many individuals of the name in Perthshire and Argyllshire are really Mactavish. The surname in these districts is an Anglicized form of Gaelic MacThómais, son of Thomas, or MacThómaidh, son of Tommie.

Being dormant without a registered Chief for the past two hundred years, we find that three or four other Clans have taken the liberties of suggesting that the MacTavish, Thom(p)son's, Thomas and Todd, belong to them.

This of course is just wish full thinking. Clan MacTavish Thom(p)son's, Thomas and Todd are a recognized ancient Highland Clan by the Court of the Lord Lyon, King of Scottish Heraldry in Edinburgh in 1793.

They are believed to be descended from an illegitimate son of William, seventh Chief of Mackintosh, and they settled mainly in Glenshee and Glenisla. The MacThomases were named among the "Broken Clans" in the 16th century.

One tradition has it that Alexander Thomson (1460-1513) was the grandson of an illegitimate son of the 11th Earl of Mar, grandson of King Robert II. He died at the Battle of Flodden.

During the period known as the Jacobite uprisings, the MacTavish were, as many Highland Clans, sympathetic to placing the Stuart's back on the throne, as was their right.

When Charles Edward Stuart, better known as Bonnie Prince Charlie, landed on Scottish soil in July of 1745, some Highland Clans were preparing to join Prince Charles in his quest to put the Stuart's once again on the throne of Scotland.

In the late 18th century the name occurred in Lewis where there lived a Ruaraidh MacThomais, he was a Gaelic Poet.

The poet James Thomson (1700-1748) was born in Ednam, Scotland, and educated at Edinburgh University. He went to London in 1725 and began his career as a tutor. A year later he published Winter which drew praise from a number of contemporary poets, such as Pope. He then wrote and published Summer (1727), Spring (1728) and Autumn (1730). The complete set became known as The Seasons and remained one of the most widely read and influential poems in Britain throughout the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries.

In 1929 Frederick Thomson (1875-1935), Solicitor-General for Scotland 1923-24, was created a baronet. Roy Thomson (1894-1976) who was born in Canada, the newspaper baron, was created Lord Thomson of Fleet, of Northbridge, in the City of Edinburgh, in 1964.

William Thomson (1824-1907), scientist and inventor was created Lord Kelvin of Netherhall, Largs, in 1892.

Captain Patrick MacThomas was recognized in Lyon Court as Chief of MacThomas of Glenshee in 1968

One group that claimed Thomson is MacTavish. Edward Stewart Dugald MacTavish, was matriculated by the Court of the Lord Lyon 23 July 1997 and granted the Arms and Title of Chief of the Clan MacTavish of Dunardry (MacTamhais - MacTavish - Thom(p)son). Dunardry was the 26th Chief of the Clan in an unbroken line.

Edward Stewart Dugald MacTavish passed away at his home in Vancouver, BC, Canada on June 19, 2005. His son, Steven Edward Dugald MacTavish may or may not become the 27th Chief of the Clan MacTavish. I recognized Edward Stewart Dugald MacTavish as Clan head back in 1998, based on research and some information I got from the Clan organization. At this point I'm not sure who the Clan Chief is.

In typical historic Scottish fashion Dugald MacTavish's death has created a huge rift in the Clan. Claims of misuse of funds, the creation of cults, this guy said this and that guy said that. It would be so much easier if these guys could grab a basket hilt and have at it. However, in the 21st century, they are fighting it out on the Web. It's so sad. The battle is the first thing you see when you log onto the Web site. OK, I get it guys; you want things to go your way. Get over yourselves, it's modern times and most of us are more interested in the history and not the name of a Clan head to bend knee to. If, as I suspect, you are indeed interested in the members of this line get it sorted out and move on. Remember, a Clan is only as strong as its members. Leaders come and go. Some are good, some are bad. It's the members that endure.

Click Here to see what I am talking about when I talk about a Clan rift.

JOIN THE UNOFFICAL, CLAN THOMSON U.S.A.

I don't know about my fellow Thomson's, but I have had enough of Clan politics and people claiming us like we are Scottish cattle. We are a proud Clan with a history of poets, teachers and statesmen. So, if you are a Thomson, sharpen your baskethilt and send me an e-mail at clanthomsonusa@gmail.com and I'll start a database. We will form the unofficial Clan Thomson U.S.A. It's FREE.

No dues, no Clan Chief, no oath of loyalty, (except to yourself and your name). Proudly go to your next local Highland Games and tell them you represent Clan Thomson U.S.A. Put up a Thomson banner, eat some haggis, hang a sword or two in front of the tent, heck, bring a bottle of Scotch and a stack or plastic shot glasses and you will get a big turnout.

If I get at least a dozen of us, I'll hack together a website with names and locations. If you send pics, Clan history, articles about famous Thomson's, reviews of local Highland Games, you name it, I'll write Web pages with them and load it on my server. I'll even whip up some membership cards in Photoshop and send them out to you, and in the true Scot way we'll claim the Thomson Clan, at least in the U.S.

For now, I will claim Clan Webmaster, unless someone else wants to provide the server space, then it's all yours. It's my opinion that anyone that wants any official office is probably unfit to serve. (Yea, that goes for ALL elected officials, including President.)

Update: as of November 21, 2008 there are 2 of us. Me and another Scot named Jim Reed. I also got an e-mail from William Mark Thomson in Edinburgh, so I guess that makes three! We are really rolling now...

You don't have to be named Jim to join. No dues, no requirements, except a respect for the Scottish name of Thomson. Don't have to send any personal information. I will get your e-mail but those will not be posted, unless you sat to. If you care about that, go to G-mail and get a new account and use that for your message.

Update Jan 17, 2009 - OK, It's looking like I might have to put my keyboard where my finger are. Over 20 Thom(p)sons have sent me e-mails. I'm starting the site and should have it up in about a month. I have to write the code, design and produce the graphics and set up a domain. I'll send cards out just before I post the site. Send me anything you have about Thom(p)son yoh have. Articles, pictures, history, you name it. Please make sure it's your material or you have permission to give me permission to reprint it.

clanthomsonusa@gmail.com

(Addresses will not be listed, only name, state. I will not list e-mail address, unless you say to in your e-mail to me. No other information sent will be posted on the site, unless otherwise indicated in your e-mail. No information will be sold or otherwise released, this is not a commercial venture and no one will or can make a profit. If you want, make up a new e-mail in G-Mail for the membership, feel free. I just did for the e-mail above.I do not represent any offical scottish, clan or Thom(p)son organization, anywhere. )

P.S. If anyone knows of any site or organization like this, please let me know and I'll join them.

Dateline 1/17/08 - I put "Clan Thomson USA" on my site as satire, but am surprised to find that I am not the only one with the same feelings. I understand that groups have differing opinions and sometimes split, but that mess on the Web is the worst kind of publicity I have ever seen. It rubs the Thomson name in the mud, and that makes me angry. It looks like a bunch of primary school children in a schoolyard fight. If you want to go out on your own do so, but don't tarnish the name in the process.

I have worked in news media and advertising for 40-years and I can tell you that it's doing more damage than good. You can only compare it to the mud slinging in a political campaign. Think about how you feel and the things people say about a candidate who makes accusations about his or her opponent. It doesn’t matter if they are true. The person saying making the statement looks worse than the person they are talking about. It looks like a last ditch effort of a loser.

Forget about the other guy. That's done and over, move on. Tell me why you are better, and then prove it.

As I said in my links below, one group I have found that seems to have it together is the Clan Thompson Society. I got an e-mail from Stu Thompson. Stu told me "...we are trying very hard to get our act together and move on from the whole MacTavish/DHA debacle. I'll tell you up front that the CTS grew out of the old DHA membership... but we're working hard now to try and stand on our own."

I'm not sure how he represents the group. I do know from his e-mail that he is from Massachusetts. Oddly, I can not find a list of officers on their Web site. In fact, I can't find any group information. There is no information on size of the group, officers, state of residence, tax status, bylaws, nothing. In the metatags, M. Thompson is responsible for the Web site content. I don't know if that means M. Thompson is their Web master, leader or supervising site editor. The copyright is owned by "Clan Thompson Society."

(Metatags, for you non html code types, are the giberish you see when you select "View" + "Page Source" in your browser. Meta tags used to help search engines rank sites but they don't use it any more but it's a great place to imbed a copyright and other site information as well a function code.)

According to their Web site, the Clan Thompson Society held its inaugural general membership meeting May 30, 2008 at Glasgow KY. The Society members voted, by mail and those present, to accept the proposed  bylaws and for the Directors and officers.  They are now an "official" organization, supporting the establishing of Clan Thom(p)son and educating the public on Thompson history and genealogy.

They say they have submitted a letter to Lord Lyon requesting recognition of Thomson as a name on its own.  They say that if he concurs, they will be considered an honorable community and can convene a derbhfine to elect a commander or chieftain to guide the clan until the chiefly line can be determined and a chief appointed by Lord Lyon.

They have a great set of history pages. I recommend all Thom(p)sons read them.

For now, I'm keeping an eye on them. I want to know more about the organization. However, as I said below, it costs $25 a year to join, but if they stay clear of politics and honor the name, they just might get my money, (as long as they have a dram at the Thom(p)son tent.)

Related Links:

The official website of the Clan MacThomas Society.- http://clanmacthomas.com/ -

The official website of Clan Chattan Association. - http://www.clanchattan.org.uk/catalog/chattan_2.php -

Clan Thompson Society - http://www.clanthompson.org/ These guys look like they might have it together, but they still want $25.

Clan MacTavish - http://www.clanmactavish.org/ Another claimer of Thomson

Clan MacThomas - http://www.macthomasnorthamerica.com/index.shtml Another claimer of Thomson

Lord Thomson of Fleet - http://www.robertsewell.ca/lordthomson.html

Thompson Name Origins From Scotland - http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.ancestry.com/~donaghmore1/thompson/nameorig.html

A letter from Dugald MacTavish - http://www.baronage.co.uk/2002/dunard-1.html

Thompson: One Name Study - http://www.thompsononename.org.uk/origins.html

Thompson DNA Project - http://www.thompsonfamilies.org/

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To point out the typical cliches about the Scottish people, through the eyes of the Scots, without taking things too seriously. Vive la difference!


You know you're from Scotland when....

1. T in the Park is, in your opinion, the best summer music festival.

2. James McFadden's screamer of a goal against France in Paris, is in your opinion, the best ever goal! Archie Gemmill's goal against Holland in 1978, is also memorable.

3. You say "cheers" or "ta" instead of thanks.

4. You love Irn-Bru and can't understand people that say it's sickly sweet fizz with bright artificial colouring. It's also the best hangover cure you believe.

5. You can't stop yourself supporting any team that plays England in any sport. You refused to buy a Mars Bar during the last Football World Cup because they changed the packaging to "Believe".

6. You wear nothing under your kilt and flash folk even if they believe you!

7. "Scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine and a cold northerly wind" is good weather!

8. A sunny day with temp of 13c is time to wear shorts, skimpy clothes and have a BBQ!

9. You have encountered Neds. They are usually in groups of about 10-20 and call themselves "Teams or Fleetos". They are all weak and only "fight" in groups and by "fight" i mean "slashing or "chibbing".

10. What you call a suntan is what other people call sunburnt (well there are some lucky Scots but in general!!)

11. The only sausage you like is "square".

12. You call New Year's Eve "Hogmanay" and don't seem to think 2 days national holiday is long enough to recover from the partying!

13. Haggis is a tasty national dish not a glorified sheep's stomach filled with random minced organs and oats.

14. Sean Connery was the best James Bond.

15. You know curling and shinty are sports not birds.

16. You point out to foreigners that actually only some people have ginger hair in Scotland, not everyone.

17. You know fried Mars bars are only available in touristy places and nobody actually eats them. Whatsmore if you asked your local chippy to do it you would get this response: "Ken what pal, I'll do it but if my fryer breaks down you are paying me £5,000 sunshine".

18. You have been forced to do Scottish country dancing every year at high school.

19. You know a wide vocabulary of random Scottish words - an idiot is "a numpty". "Aye"- yes. "Aye Right"-not likely. "Atspish"- that's not good. "Auldjin"- someone over 40. "Baltic"-freezing. "bawbag"-useless person. "Dry yer eyes"- aww..diddums."Dry Boak"-sickened. etc

20. A cheap way to get wasted is to drink the neds' favourite tipple, Buckfast!

21. On the 25th January you feel obliged to attend a Burns supper. At the venue you drink whisky, eat Haggis & Neeps, listen to poems and then pass out!

22. You know what a Ceilidh is and how to pronounce it properly! You know how to strip the willow and do the Gay Gordons! Guaranteed floor fillers at weddings, grad balls, etc. Up there with the tango as a celebrated dance. Sweatier and more violent than the jive, but maybe not as sexy as Cuban salsa.

23. You casually tell foreign friends that if it wasn't for the Scots there would be no telly, penicillin, golf, fax machines, telephones, steam engine, insulin, radar, bicycles etc.

24. You have an irrational need to eat anything fried with your supper from the chippy: haggis, pizza, white pudding, sausage, fish, chicken (but not mars bars) etc...

25. You used to love destroying your teeth when you were young; Buchanan's toffees, wham bars, tablet, Irn-Bru bars, Cola Cubes, etc

26. You know Tennent's Lager is shite but you still order it?

27. You have an enormous feeling of dread whenever the Scotland national football team play a "diddy" team that we will lose.

28.You know that Scotland will never actually win the football World Cup, but keep partying anyway!

29. You are reluctant to express enthusiasm for anything in direct terms - so, " It's no bad, " becomes the equivalent of " It's fantastic!".

30. You think you can speak Scottish Gaelic even though all you know is "Failte" "Sassenachs" and "Slainte Mhath". (This one doesn't apply to the 70,000 Gaelic speakers; Suas leis a' Ghàidhlig!)

31. You will happily throw your rubbish on the street if there is no bin within 5 yards of you or throw your rubbish out your car window while driving.

32.You have been accused of being from England while you are on holiday abroad. Repeatedly.

33.You would rather stand up on the bus for an hour than bother the person whose handbag is currently occupying the last available seat.

34.You happily engage in a conversation about the weather. "Dreich day eh? Aye at least the wind has died down".

35.You secretly curse the day the First Scotrail ticket barriers came into operation as you can no longer skive a train journey! You are forever delayed by "ditherers" who walk to the barrier and then fumble in their bag for the ticket!!!

36.You love the Glasgow "Clockwork Orange" Underground even though it is now like a child's hornby train set compared to other city metro systems.

37.You actually do care if your mobile phone meets the current fashion standard.

38.People ask you if the Loch Ness Monster exists or haggis is an animal and you try to spread the myth further by stating it's true. Also You can keep a straight face when explaining about a haggis having its left legs shorter than its right and you can catch them by making them run the wrong way round a hill!

39.You feel like a failure if you haven't got a full drivers licence before you're 22.

40.You can recall only a handful of films set in Scotland that are not depressing or suicidal.

41.Even if you not a huge fan of the Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia, Deacon Blue, Big Country etc. you still LOVE it when you're in a club abroad and they play something Scottish. (you'll probably even ask the DJ to play it…)

42. You feel bad if you're not outside on a sunny day.

43. You know when your friend, colleague etc says "fancy a pint?". It's never just the one pint, more like at least 4 or 5.

44. You feel special if you can speak another language in addition to English.

45. You take a perverse level of pride by the fact that Scotland has the highest number of alcohol and smoking related deaths in Europe. At least we know how to party, "Yer a lang time deed".

46. You used to get up really early on a Saturday/Sunday to watch cartoons when you were a kid. You watched Glen Michael's Cartoon Cavalcade on a Sunday afternoon with his sidekick oil lamp called Paladin. You remember Glen giving Paladin a good hard stroke!

47. You can quite happily spend a whole day in the pub!

48. A full English Breakfast is transformed into a Scottish Breakfast by adding black pudding, potato scones and square sausage.

49. You are shocked to discover that you can't drink tap water abroad and must buy bottled water. Also you find water in England, Denmark etc just doesn't taste anywhere near as nice as Scottish water.

50. You attempt to use your legal tender Scottish Pound notes in England and then have to argue for 5 minutes to make them accept it or just walk out of a shop in disgust etc.

51. You will wait and hold the door for someone 100 metres behind you in case you cause offence.

52. You roll your R's like the Spanish, you say Grrreen or a la Tommy Sheridan -Utter Garrrbage.

53. You say sorry to someone who has bumped into you even though it was them. The other person should say sorry at exactly the same time as you say it. NB: This scenario changes if they made you spill your pint in a pub as a consequence of the bump. Please see No. 71.

54. You are in the USA and are constantly told "I love your accent, it's so....sexy!"

55. You are in the USA and are asked "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Huh, you Irish-Scotch are so much fun" etc

56. There are no lakes, only lochs. (well...apart from Lake of Menteith)

57. Castles are no big deal and you are oddly fascinated by how excited tourists get talking about them.

58. You were given an Oor Wullie or Broons Annual at Christmas.

59. You have come in from the pub pissed with flatmates and watched an episode of Weirs Way engrossed by a little guy with a bobbly hat walking around Scotland.

60. You get offended by people calling you "Scotch" (usually Americans or English) which you point out is a whisky not a nationality. You also get offended by English people who call you "Jock" or "Sweaty Sock".

61. You secretly love to complain about anything and everything! "I'm fair scunnered with that bridge toll, ye ken" "Is that no a disgrace the length o' time they trams are taking?"

62. You have Standard Grades and Highers!

63. You can go to University for free!

64. You don't say small, you say "wee". e.g I fancy the wee burd standing at the bar with the cosmopolitan.

65. Girls are called "burds" e.g How's things going with the burd? Wheresawra burds?

66. You see police and hear someone shout "Errrapolis".

67. You can't resist while drunk putting a traffic cone on any statue you are able to clamber up.

68. You pronounce Edinburgh as Edin-burra/Edin-bra/Embra/Enbra, not Edinboro, Edinbourg, Edinborough or Edinbuurg.

69. You can never praise Scotland without a hint of irony in your voice - and can never criticise it without betraying a deep love of your country!

70. You see odd socks lying on the road (where do they come from?)

71. You have participated in or witnessed people having a "square go".

72. You've also been given change from a fiver for a £1 note by an English shopkeeper and haven't owned up because they should know what the currency looks like!

73. You know that when someone asks you which school you went to, they actually want to know if you're a protestant or a catholic.

74. You have laughed at Still Game, Chewing the Fat or some other BBC Scotland comedy and...you don't need subtitles to understand.

75. You buy an "ECOSSE" sticker for your car before a driving holiday in France just in case they think you are, um, yes that's right...English.

76. You know someone who supports Glasgow Rangers or Celtic. You probably support them too (in addition to a "wee" team). However you may hate the "Bigot Brothers" and sum up all their loyal supporters in one word "scum".

77. You secretly love to queue but can't tolerate queue skippers who you stare at with venom, cough aloud "ahem" and if not resolved can lead to (see No.71).

78. You have eaten lots of random Scottish food like Bridies, Aberdeen Rowies(butteries), Mince & Tatties, Haggis, Cullen Skink, Stovies, Tunnock's Teacakes/Snowballs, Scott's Porridge Oats, Macaroon Bars, Baxters Soup, Scotch Pies, Scotch Eggs, Oatcakes, Shortbread, Arbroath Smokies etc.

79. You are one of Jock Tamson's bairns (whoever he is?).

80. A jakey has asked you for money: "Got any spare change pal/hen?"

81. You are an expert at dodging charity street fundraisers.

82. You wait expectantly for your 1 p change from the shopkeeper.

83. You know that someone carrying a blue bag has just bought some bevvy!

84. You are used to the smoking ban. Pubs are cleaner and relationships have blossomed outside clubs. Hail the healthy new aromas of beer, bleach and BO.

85. You speak louder than Swedish people but not as loud as Americans.

86. You watched Postman Pat and "Padraig Post" when you were young. You watched "Donny Murdo" which is "Dangermouse" to everyone else.You also watched Dotaman. That's right, remember the weird bloke educating all us kids to speak Gaelic? It never seemed to work but the bloke had a different amazing baseball cap every episode!

87. You have gone on a shopping binge in Buchanan Street.

88. You show midgies the respect they deserve!

89. You probably bank with RBS, Bank of Scotland or Clydesdale Bank.

90. You were forced to read "Sunset Song" in English class at school.

91. You drink whisky without ice. (and you spell it without an e)

92. The sound of the pipes puts a wee spring in your step.

93. You can laugh at this joke and others like it; An Englishman entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman. After they had chatted for a while the Scot asked "Where are you from?" The Englishman replied "I'm from the finest country in the world." The Scot looked sceptical and replied "Are you? You have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman."

94. You can party in the summer rain with kamikaze midgies in the mud.

95. You use the recommended monthly amount of salt in one meal!

96. You miss cups of tea when you've lived away from home for a while. You think people who don't add milk to their tea are weird.

97. You love a good curry!

98. Calling someone a c*nt or a tw*t, is a term of endearment.

99. You love to gossip about anything; the neighbours next door, a scandal revealed in some red top like the Daily Record or celebrities in Heat magazine etc.

100. You get pissed off by English ignorance/arrogance e.g 1. "Look at the state of my English (GB & NI) passport" 2. "Hey come off it, England(Britain) is an island" 3. "So when are you going back to England(Scotland or UK)? em...Scotland; "Huh, yeah, same thing innit?" 4. "I need to change my Euros to English (British)" 5." I don't want Gordon Brown to be English (British) Prime Minister, he's a jock" 6. "The English (UK) Eurovision entry wasn't bad it was because all the other countries voted for each other".

101. There's a golf course within 5 miles of your house and a world class golf course within 40 miles!

102. The only fish to eat with chips is haddock.

103. You've seen these classic Scottish films: Trainspotting, The Wicker Man, Gregory's Girl, Braveheart, Restless Natives....etc

104. You've been asked by a tourist (probably American) "What time does the 1 o'clock gun go off?" or been asked “where's the castle?”, and then just silently pointed up the hill (Edinburgh only)

105. You've lived in the US for years and can still shock people by saying "I'm nippin oot furra fag".

106. You notice how posh Billy Connolly's accent has become over the years.

107. You are woken up by people marching with flutes in the summer (mainly in the West).The wiff of jingoism, bigotry and Buckfast is in the air. Bring the kids along for a big steamin' day out.

108. Selected to be on a jury you have the additional Scottish verdict of "not proven" which is kinda like "mibbaes aye, mibbaes naw".

109. You played cribbie/kirby/kerby as a kid, bouncing balls of kerbsides.

110. You call Henman Hill "Murray's Mound".

111. Rugby is the "posh" sport.

112. You love to sing karaoke!

113. You have dramatic, stunning, awe-inspiring scenery on your doorstep but you just can't be arsed driving further than Loch Lomond (NB:applies only to Central Belt).

114. You were asked to "nip someone's pal" when you were fourteen.

115. Your sexuality is questioned if you are not obsessed with football. (Applies to men only).

116. You can talk endlessly about traffic congestion. "Aye the M8 was murder the day, I had to come off at Ibrox then there was a 15 minute queue to get in the centre of town..."

117. You run towards terrorists and "fly kick them" to help the polis (John Smeaton we salute you!)

118. You don't see ordinary coos in the field, you see Heelan coos. Yep they are the 70's rock stars of the cattle world, available in 11 shades of orange. Extras include, Harley Davidson handlebar horns!

119. There are random statues. For e.g. to dogs (Greyfriars Bobby) and cartoon characters (Desperate Dan) amongst others!

120. There are amazing white beaches (like Wester Ross and Harris) that could be mistaken for Caribbean hideaways in the brochures (kind of). Only problem it's baltic and you could get hypothermia from just dippin your toes in the water!

121. Heather the Weather appears on your TV with a "Hi there!" gangly wrists and toothy smile telling you more bad weather but her cheery west coast lilt helps a bit.

122. You can go camping on a whim. A tent with a view, open fire, beer cooled in a stream, cooking sausages and smoking out the damn midgies!

123. The language makes you smile. How no? -Why not; Monty f*ck - I think you should reconsider your position on that) Ahwizpyoorlik'ahtbut - I was totally amazed/nonplussed/shocked.

124. You know how to make visitors feel welcome. You take them into your home, feed them and give them a bed. You feed them beyond the point of hospitality (excludes Edinburgh) "Dae you want some soup? Have another bowl. If ye don't eat it, it'll just go doon the lavvy..."

125. You can say drunk in a thousand ways, here's just a few: badgered, bladdered, bleezin', blootered, hawf-cut, cabbaged, guttered, hammered, lashed, leathered, mangled, minced, rubbered, wellied, reekin', banjaxed, stocious, mingin', pished as a fart etc.

126. You are generally unpretentious and unreserved.

127. You are passionate, whether it's fitba, going to a gig, or a night out in the pub with friends.

128. You can predict the moment that everyone will suddenly break into a drunken rendition of.."Oh Flower of Scotland..".

129. You say "Cheers/thanks driver". We could just ignore them, but we don't. Thanking the bus driver improves their day and ours.

130. You know that our rain is special. Oh yes, we have the horizontal kind, the misty kind, fat rain, "is it actually raining" rain and the downright dirty! No morning is complete without it, no hairstyle or make-up immune to it. It is our birthright, a gift from above.

131. You know what Taggart is or rather was. "Yer brains'll be oan the pavement unless ye help us". The charming Maryhill CID. The classic of course, "Therr's bein a murdurrr".

132. You love the banter! Yes, jovial and frivolous conversation, with several skill levels. This is an art form in Scotland. Usually involves crude offensive joking and can be very personal. If you can't take the banter...canter!

133. You complain about Scotland and contrast/compare with other places etc. "I'm going to work in London and make a fortune" "I'm emigrating to Australia, fuck this for a laugh" But deep down you love it!

134. You can't stop yourself humming or even singing to the Proclaimers. Like matching blond action men in glasses, we loved them, we forgot about them, we've revived them. But you know our sense of timing we always wait too long...

135. October 7th 2006 & 12th September 2007 were memorable days. Scotland 1 France 0.

136. You are probably quite cynical but in a healthy way. You have said "Aye right" on countless occasions.

137. You are straight-talking, proud and there's no bullshit. Like Duncan Bannantyne "I'm out".

138. You can climb 284 Scottish Mountain Munros if you can ever be arsed.

139. You see crazy placenames. For example: Kilmahog, Buckie, Auchenshuggle, Auchtermuchty, Alves, Ballachulish, Ecclefechan, Kirkcudbright and Lairig Grhu. Loch Lochy and Loch Oich also deserves a mention. But best of all: Loch Drunkie.

140. You feel more Scottish the further away you travel. You also get sentimental once you get there.

141. You always have an umbrella in your handbag.

142. You think a cup of tea or a wee dram will solve any problem. "I've lost my job"; "Calm down, I'll put on a wee cuppa for us".

143. You sometimes think English people will understand you and they don't e.g "I'm swithering to go out later" "Sorry, you what, swith..??" "I fancy a jeelie piece" !A what? WTF?" "Nei'her d'ah!" (blank English face)...neither do I"

144. You can tell where another Scot is from by their accent. E.g. Weegie: "Awright pal, gonnae gies a wee swatch oa yur Record, cheers, magic pal" Fifer: "Aye, that wifie is getting it oan wi a laddie fae the butchers" Dundonian: "Twa bridies, a plen ane in an ingin ane an a" Aberdonian: "Furryboots are ye fae?, fair few quines in the night eh?" Invernesian: "Ah-ee, Right Enufff! "How's you keeeeeepeeeen?"

145. You are generous and considerate. E.g. You'll give your underground discovery ticket to someone when you have finished using it!

146. The shopkeepers love a wee "blether" with you. "I'm a dopey bunny today son, need to go for a wee sleep later, watch your soup it's hot, that's £2.90 please".

147. You are mentally prepared on bus/train for some neds to start blasting shit happy hardcore tunes from their little mobiles "Boom, Boom, (chipmunk) "When I was young and life was so wonderful (Boom) (Boom)"

148. Your sexuality is questioned if you drink pints of lager (applies to girls only)

149. You see local bands go on to become huge successes with world-wide hits and massive fan base. Franz Ferdinand (No they are not from England as a few Americans told me) Mogwai, Belle & Sebastian, Idlewild, Cocteau twins, Nazareth, Arab strap, Del Amitri, Deacon Blue, Big Country, Wet Wet Wet, Amy MacDonald Jesus and Mary Chain, The Fratellis, Slam, Paolo Nutini, The View, Sandi Thom etc..

150. You love to read newspapers. You'll read anything, the Metro, Daily Record, Scottish Sun, Evening Times, Herald, Scotsman, Courier, P & J, etc. You'll even pick up and read a tattered, used paper that you found on the floor of a train...

151. You know that the only parts Scottish people get in U.S./BBC/English programmes are as alcoholics, drug addicts or violent aggressive characters who speak with an almost incomprehensible rough accent.

152. You think it's normal to be drunk every Friday and/or Saturday all year round.

153. You cringe at foreign people trying to do a Scottish accent (normally really badly!!).

154. You think it's weird if a house isn't made of bricks (or if you're from Aberdeen, grey granite blocks).

155. Unlike the Swedes, you happily jaywalk and feel stupid not walking across the road when there are no vehicles but a red man.

156. There is an unofficial "boy racer" road/circuit in your town or city. Yes on any given day, you can see souped-up Vauxhall Corsas etc razzing down the street with blue lights, huge alloys and dance music blasting out!

157. You say shite not shit.

158. You follow the commuter code of looking utterly miserable whilst slowly flicking through your Metro on the bus/train/subway. If you smile, people will look at you suspiciously.

159. You have received or been offered a "dirty pint" on your birthday or an equivalent lethal mixture which means everyone else has a super night while you are lying in a puddle of your own spew...unconscious.

160. The winner of the SPL championship is a fight between the gruesome twosome, Celtic and Rangers.

161. You consider silence a problem in social situations unlike Swedes etc.

162. Making fun of England is a national institution. And vice versa.

163. You split the bill by the exact penny after eating at a restaurant.

164. You think that everyone is allowed to walk in any field or forest. And when people abroad tell you it's private land, you don't understand and say "But, what about right to roam?"

165. You have eaten something greasy from Greggs or Aulds at least once (that includes "healthy" sandwiches packed to the gunnels with mayonnaise).

166. You always go "That's not REAL snow" whenever it snows in countries that usually don't get snow. You agree with the phrase and have said: "It's too cold to snow".

167. You find it adorable when people from other countries get excited about a few milimetres of snow that only stays on the ground for a few hours.

168. Everytime you see a Scottish brand/actor/actress/company/store/footballer/musician on tv you feel compelled to point that out to your foreign friends (with badly hidden pride in your voice). "Yeah KT Tunstall is Scottish" "Really? I thought she was American or something?".

169. You sometimes have to tell confused English people that English towns close to the Scottish border like Carlisle, Berwick etc aren't actually in Scotland. You get responses like: "But Berwick Rangers FC play in the Scottish 3rd Division so they must be Scottish" etc.

170. You remember the Scottish Health Awareness adverts (HEBS) like: "Sarah... I eh... fancy you so.. how bout it?!". Or the legendary blue sticks one "this tastes boggin'!!". There was also the cheesy girl group, STINX "why do you keep on running boy?" ad!

171. You begin to daydream when the "UK" news comes on when you hear the usual line: "In England & Wales today a new law comes into force, statistics reveal high numbers of illiteracy in England & Wales...blah blah".

172. Driving back to Scotland from England you get a strange sense of euphoria when you see the "Scotland welcomes you" sign near Gretna.

173. A foreigner has told you: "Oh yes, I love Scotland it was great but....it rained". You have thought "Of course it fucking rained, it's Scotland, not Spain or Greece. What do you fucking expect?"

174. You feel more Scottish if you have a traditional Scots name like Angus, Dougie, Lorna, Moira, Malcolm etc

175. You know the best cure for a sore throat is a "hot toddy"; whisky, hot water & honey!!

176. You know someone is posh if they have a surname for a first name like "Crawford" "Campbell" or "Findlay". Or they have a unique spelling for their name like "Alasdair" rather than Alistair.

177. You have a warm, dry, depreciatory and fatalistic humour. You can laugh at yourself.

178. Nobody is above being taken down a peg or two.

179. You recognise names of towns around the world and realise they've just copied the names of our cities/towns like Edinburgh, South Australia and Aberdeen in Hong Kong!

180. You know the UK media will say a Scottish person is "British" when they win but "Scottish" when they lose. E.g "Andy Murray beat Federer today, the British No.1 played..." while "Murray was beaten 6-1 in final set,it was a poor performance from the Scot".

181. You rarely hear a Hollywood actor do a good Scottish accent; the list of failures are high, Mel Gibson in Braveheart, Fat Bastard in Austin Powers etc or Robin Williams in Mrs Doubtfire.

182. A wedding just wouldn't feel right without a drunken circle of people singing "Loch Lomond" at the end.

183. You are 3 or 4 hours (max) drive away from ski resorts in winter. The downside is the snowfall is unreliable.

184. You are used to the sound of bagpipes (from buskers) when you are in town shopping.

185. People from USA, Canada, Australia etc say to you "I'm Scottish my great, great grandfather was from the Clan McKenzie etc do you know what colour their tartan is? I'm 10% Scottish and 20 % Irish etc" For example, you're standing in the middle of the Kasbah in Tangiers n a little Americaan lady overhearing ure accent butts in n says 'Oh!! ure Scottish ,how cute..CUTE!!!! Grrrr..u must know my long lost cousin Will he's from the clan McClungie and he lives in Auchentavish...

186. There are no streams, only burns.

187. Any bare hillside is crammed full of sheep.

188. It's harder to pass your driving test than in the USA & Canada.

189. You probably drive a manual transmission car rather than automatic.

190. You complain about the weather being too cold in Scotland but then you go abroad to a hot country and then complain it's too hot!!

191. Even the seagulls are "Doritos" stealing neds!

192. You get annoyed by people standing to the left on the escalator.

193. You get annoyed by slow walkers who "dither" and stop suddenly in front of you for no reason.

194.You ask a visitor from back home to to bring you Irn-Bru, Tattie Scones, Tablet,Teabags and Tunnocks teacakes/ McVities Chocolate Digestives/Kettle Chips etc.You also stock up on irn-bru (when you live abroad) to take home with you, especially when you do the obligatory trip home just before Christmas. What else would we drink on the 1st, 2nd, 3rd & 4th January to cure us?

195. In cafés/pubs, you find it completely normal walking all the way to the counter to order and then carrying drinks etc back to the table rather than being waitered.

196. You get frustrated when foreigners don't understand how "rounds" work i.e. "you are not being given a free drink!!"

197.You know that Frank MacAvennie is responsible for more child conceiving than Barry White.

198. Hogmanay telly wouldn't be the same without "Only An Excuse" and Jackie Bird urging you to dance at home to some Scottish fiddle band playing at the BBC Scotland studio. You tape it because you know you'll probably be too pissed to remember it otherwise.

199. You think that Billy Connolly is the funniest man alive.

200. You think going to the pub for a drink is a waste of time if you're not going to get drunk.

201.You cave in to social pressure and give up your seat for OAPs on public transport or pregnant women (but only if you're sitting on an aisle seat).

202.You think you are a better driver than a Spaniard, Italian, or French person (they don't follow the rules and drive too fast) but not as good as Scandinavians (who follow all the rules and don't drive fast).

203. You can stroll into a newsagent and tear off a lovely, chewy, bit burnt, delicious (Mortons) Scottish Morning roll from the huge rack in white paper!

204.You think that all the things Robert Burns ever wrote, summed up all the good and bad things about being Scottish.

205.You pretend there is nobody in on Halloween night (close curtains, lights dimmed etc) to avoid having to listen to 5 kids from your street tell shockingly bad jokes. You sometimes give in and chuck some peanuts, tangerine and smarties at them etc. You love the fact Hallloween gives you an excuse to dress up, go to a party and get wasted on a "school" night!

206. Your christmas stockings always had a tangerine in them.

207. You probably prefer other spirits to whisky but when you're abroad and see "Glenfiddich etc" on the bar you feel compelled to order it!

208. You have binged on McVities chocolate digestives. It was a Scot that invented them...surprising eh?

209. You tell people with pride that Glasgow has the busiest criminal court in Europe.

210. You really enjoy swearing. There's really nothing better than telling someone: "Haw you ya c*nt! Get tae fuck!" or "Get it up ye".

211. Living abroad and you speak to someone, you are guaranteed one of three responses -
1. They are scared of you because of your accent.
2. They don't understand you because of your accent.
3. They think you've got a sexy accent but still can't understand you.

212. You've voted for Scots in tv talent contests just because, em, they're Scottish. Michelle McManus, Jason from BB(6?), David Sneddon etc.

213. You can ask for a poke in any shop without the police being called.

214. You can buy whisky flavoured condoms from the machine in the toilets!

215. Studying abroad your friends refer to you as "Scotland", "the Scot", "Scotty", "The Drunk Scot" or even "Crazy Scotsman/woman" etc.

216. You insist on driving in the middle lane when there are three or more empty lanes available (all going the same way).

217. Sometimes you avoid saying "England" by just saying "down south". Even though you're living in say Inverness and "down south" could be Stirling etc.

218. You go to London and people speak to you in a patronising way like: "oh do you have Urban Outfitters up there? god, I just didn't think, you...eh, they would go that far north", "An Apple shop opening in Glasgow, I can't see it lasting long up there" etc. "You've got Aussie theme bars, what are they called? Walkabooot! haha.."

219. You don't find anything weird about it being sunny when you walk into a building and find it's pouring with rain/sleet/hail when you walk out.

220. It's actually cheaper to fly to France than get a train from central Scotland to Aberdeen or somewhere.

221. You can open a beer bottle with almost anything.

222. You find yourself more interested in the alcohol content than the name of the wine.

223. Foreign people say to you "I take it you go to the Edinburgh Festival every summer then?" and you leave them shocked with your blase response "Naah..".

224. You know Edinburgh chip shops will try and destroy your fish supper with "Salt 'n Sauce?" before you can say "No, I want vineg..aw..".

225. You have seen someone hock a loogie walking down the street without flinching (like it was the most normal action in the world!).

226. You'd love to mess up Dougie Donnelly's hair (if that's possible; it looks so rigid!).

227. There are no barristers, only advocates. Judges are called Sheriffs.

228. You nearly always walk past someone on the left.

229. You get pissed off when cricket is on tv and change channel immediatley. You really couldn't give a shit whether England just beat India in the latest one-day cricket international.

230. You say "How" instead of "Why". E.g. "How's that then?" or "How no?"

231. You use the word 'the' even when you don't need to. "When I went to 'the' High school." etc..

232. You know how dodgy a place is by the number of tanning salons and betting shops it has.

233. You have tried to kick one of those dirty pigeons that infest your civic square; Caird Square, George Sq etc.

234. Tourists have seen more of Scotland than you have.

235. You walk on pavements covered in "chuggy".

236. You don't beep your car horn just for the hell of it like the Italians or Spaniards. Someone really has to cut you up for you to reach for the car horn!

237. You understate things all the time. E.g. the Scottish lotto winner who won 35 million; "I've won a wee bit of money". If a Scottish guy was asked his opinion of, say, Jennifer Lopez he'd probably say: "Aye she's naw bad like, wee bit of a looker".

238. Your granny or great auntie or some other elderly family member has knitted you a horrendous wooly jumper, and no matter how itchy it is, you are made to wear it because 'your granny knitted you that, you should be grateful!'

239. You get a jag from a doctor not a jab!

240. A football match wouldn't feel right if you didn't have a Scotch pie and Bovril at half-time.

241. You know a Scottish male can have a telephone conversation using only the words "Awright", "Aye" and "Naw".

242. You have strange names for body parts. Bum - Bahookie, Face - Coupon/Puss, Armpit - Oxter etc.

243. If you don't know someone's name, you refer to them as Jimmy. "Here Jimmy, do you know when the next train is coming?" (Mainly Glaswegians).

244. Any above average size guy is called "big yin" while any young guy is referred to as "wee man".

245. There's generally a lot of space to roam free, with almost the whole population packed into the central belt. Leaving the rest of the country virtually deserted.

246. You call places like Inverness, Stirling and Dundee; cities, but the rest of the world would probably call them towns.

247. You know that every little town or village in Scotland has some historic claim to fame. Usually a tenuous one! E.g. the sleepy Ayrshire town of Prestwick (where Glasgow Prestwick airport is located, despite being a million miles away from Glasgow) is obsessed with Elvis after the great man, er, landed there and stayed for about 30 seconds in the fifties. Has that stopped Prestwick from going on about it ever since? Has it hell.

248. Towns have funny wee slogans like: "What's it called?...Cumbernauld" "Life is for Living..ston" etc. Even airports don't escape; "Pure Dead Brilliant Prestwick Airport!".

249. You have experienced the peer pressure to have an alcoholic drink after you've ordered something non-alcoholic. "Mon, have a drink, whit's wrang, ye driving? Naw. Are you no well? Naw. Get yersel a drink, (other folk nearby say the same)...Aw...alright. Wahey!!

250. Your plane lands and you don't clap unlike the Spaniards, etc.

251. You follow every fashion trend that's new no matter how obscure it may seem.

252. Sarcasm is the highest form of wit not the lowest!

253. Irn-Bru adverts are a great example of Scots' humour! You also know all of the words from the 'white teeth and giant shoulder pads' irnbru advert...."it's not a drink from those crazy yanks......"

254. You've said "it wisnae me". You love to pass the buck! It's always someone's fault even if some things just happen.

255. You know ye cannae fling pieces oot a twenty storey flat, seven hundred hungry weans'll testify, to that. If it's butter, cheese or jeely, if the breid is plain or pan, the odds against it reaching earth are ninety-nine tae wan.

256. You use the adjective "brilliant" lots although not to the extent of the Big Yin "I love this place it's brilliant, I mean that bench is just brilliant it's made of the absolutely brilliant stuff called concrete. Honestly frightening stuff!".

257. You get really stressed and confused at the post office abroad when they use the little notes with numbers on to show who's turn it is. You keep thinking you'll miss your turn or someone will skip...

258. You tell foreign people your surname and everybody automatically assumes you are related to any Scottish famous person with that surname. E.g. "Aye, Paul McGregor" "Are you related to Ewan McGregor?"

259. You tell someone abroad that you're from Scotland and they say "Really! Oh great! I've got a relative in Scotland, do you know someone called John McTaggart etc? You politely tell them you don't while trying not to take any offence that they think Scotland is so small you should know this person!!!

260. You force foreign friends to try haggis and then confess to it's contents once they've eaten it. Haha..evil.

261. The phrase "Scots love the summer, it's the best day of the year.." is tragically true.

262.You don't feel ashamed jumping from last place to first in the queue in Morrisons/Tesco when someone opens a new cash till.

263. A good summer holiday consists of going to a country in southern Europe, probably Greece or Spain, with your friends. When you arrive at 23:30 the first thing you do is to get wasted, and stay wasted for the rest of the week.

264. If people can understand you abroad they say annoyingly "You don't really have a Scottish accent?"

265. The most prized national symbol is a big lump of sandstone which we jazzed up and called “The Stone of Destiny” and then the English stole it from us or did they?

266. You count how many cigarettes you borrow or give away - just to be sure it's fair..

267. You somehow never fall sick on Fridays, Saturdays or Sundays..... you know that no doctor would be available anyway.

268.You know white heather is lucky! You wear some at weddings.

269. You have a nervous breakdown if the person in front of you or behind you at Tesco doesn't use the "Next Customer" sign at the checkout.

270. You just have to nod or smile back at a car driver when he/she lets you walk across the road and when you don't do it, you feel guilty. Yet the nodding or smiling has to be in a very controlled manner because you don't want to look stupid or weird.

271. You hear someone with a Scottish accent in London and you still think it must be someone you know....(which it rarely is, rumour has it there are about 400,000 1st and 2nd generation Scots there...lured by the bright lights!)

272. You own an old tartan rug. You use it for picnics but as the weather is so bad it collects dust in your garage.

273. Your national day, St Andrew's Day, is celebrated wildly by Scots in Argentina, Canada etc everywhere really apart from...Scotland (ok, there's a few half-arsed events but it's nothing compared to Ireland's St Paddy's Day).

274. "Maybe" is a polite way to say no to someone's suggestion.

275. You've had your bum pinched by an anonymous person in a club...usually in some meatmarket club!

276. You probably need factor 150 sunscreen but convince yourself that you are factor 2 or something. You come home from holiday with third degree burns.

277. You buy someone a pint to show gratitude, if it's an act of heroism you could get 1000 pints like a certain Smeato.

278.You are conditioned, over the years, to grab every moment of sun as if it was your last.

279. You know that Scotland has different bank holidays to England & Wales (but it's a pain sometimes because the bank holiday telly-when all the films etc are on-is only on during English & Welsh holidays)

280. You've been dared by a friend to down a 2 litre bottle of irn-bru and it's come gushing oot yer nose!

281. You’ve seen a man pish on a door late at night and then bring out a key and walk inside (courtesy of Frankie Boyle).

282. You are constantly reminded "to mind the gap before alighting the train". I mean if you don't mind the gap, well you might fall under the train...

283. You know a "Glasgow Kiss" is something you want to avoid and isn't a pleasant experience.

284. You don't eat anything that is 1 day past its best before date.

285. You become alarmed when finding out that there are ONLY 16 weeks until christmas and you haven't bought any presents yet for your friends, relatives etc!

286. You hear the old ladies with the blue coats that frequent Co-Op telling you that the "nights are fair drawing in son/hen". Why do they do that? Its pretty obvious the nights are getting longer.

287. You can read and understand Irvine Welsh's books without the need to guess what words or phrases mean.

288. You feel akward using a lift with people you don't know ...and you desperately try to find a spot somewhere to focus your eyes until the lift reaches your floor...you may speak about weather or traffic if the silence is too much..bing! Aah your floor,then you feel a sense of relief and joy!

289. You have taken Irn-Bru empties back to your local corner shop to get your hands on those precious 20p deposits!! You know the glass irn-bru bottles exchange rate instinctively and feel ripped off if you need more than 4 at most to by a new bottle. You think Irn-Bru tastes better out of a glass bottle anyway. Also, you get excited if you see Irn-Bru on sale anywhere that isn't Scotland. The further away the better. eg. the USA

290. You know the what's on guide is "The List"!

291. You get annoyed if someone starts using your "patter" (that assortment of common phrases, words that separates you from others!)

292. Around January time in primary school you were suddenly cajoled into learning Rabbie Burns' poems. At first you were a bit apathetic but then you saw the Burns trophy and got excited about the "X Factor"-style elimination process, you soon got in the mood to do a bit of "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face".

293. You love going to the "shows" and especially going on the waltzers. Remember the waltzer boy shouting through the tannoy "Get on the outside, the best side is the left side" and "Screeeam if you wanna go faster!!!"

294. The BBC force you to watch England's football matches. You want to strangle Mark Lawrenson and Gary Lineker. You also bet on when they'll mention "1966" and you scrutinise Hansen to see if he says "we" referring to England.

295. If you have lived in Edinburgh or Glasgow, then you truly hate the other city to the West/East.

296. Your holiday abroad is ruined if you hear there is a "heatwave" in Scotland while you're away. Even worse if the intended hot weather abroad doesn't materialise!

297. Even if the meal you have just eaten in a restaurant was totally minging you just can't bring yourself to complain or make a scene. You feel you have made your point by not leaving a tip.

298. The tip you leave depends on how much you’ve had to drink, no calculator required like the Americans.

299. You've shared happy memories of being wee and drinking creamola foam!

300. You might say "dinner" instead of "lunch" and say "tea" instead of "dinner".

301. You might make a piece for your lunch. "Will ye be coming for lunch, Willie?" / "nah, ah've got ma piece".

302. You don't get beaten up, you get battered! Also you dont ''kick someones head in'', you 'give them a wee hidin!'

303. You do say "Och aye" but never accompanied by "the noo" which every American assumes is part of our everyday language.

304. You know one of the worst crimes you can commit as a Scot is to lose your accent willingly or put on a fake English/American accent. Examples: Gordon Brown (he says "brakefast" now!) Lulu, Sheena Easton (heckled in Glasgow until she cried!) Ronni Ancona etc.

305. You are in a restaurant generally you receive service from waitresses/waiters with a smile, smiling when they greet you, smiling when they take your order, smiling when you pay. This does not happen in most European countries, especially Spain!

306. If you're an auldjin, over 60, you have free public transport!

307.You know cliched Scottish phrases such as “It’s a braw bricht moon licht nicht the nicht" and "there’s no a moos loose about the hoose".

308. You can order an Irn-Bru with your McDonalds meal!

309. You have actually eaten a pizza deep-fried in batter. You know that while the deep-fried Mars bar is a myth for tourists, deep-fried pizza - which English people have NEVER heard of - exists and is oh so good. Your pet name for this delightful snack is "pizza crunchie".

310. You assume that a stranger on the street who smiles at or greets you is:
a) drunk.
b) insane.
c) an American.
d) All of the above

311. You got the belt (before it was banned) at school not the cane.

312.You call trick or treating "guising" and you actually had to tell a joke, a poem or sing a song to earn a treat - ahh those were the days!

313. You know it's almost impossible to find a sandwich in Scotland with no mayonnaise in it!

314. You remember with nostalgia the long-running soap "Take the High Road"now sadly no longer with us.

315. You know all the words to the song "you canny shuff your granny aff a bus!" You know you will be singing it or humming it right now!

316. You enjoy using Scottish rhyming slang like "Here, are you corn beef or what?"; "I'm Hank Marvin";" Right, wid ye stop Dean Martin, it's boughfin" "I huvnae a Scooby" "You are talking total Jim White mate" "Whit! Somebody has half-inched my stapler!".

317. Heaven is a plate of steaming mince and tatties! (excluding veggies).

318. You don't own wind chimes, the constant Scottish wind would drive you to jingle insanity!

319. You are generally quite self-effacing and modest about your achievements.

320. You know that 5cm of snow or a few days of heavy rain will bring the country's whole transport infrastructure to a shuddering halt! "Hi, yeah I'm going to be late, that's all the trains been cancelled!". We've all been there!

321. You knew what John Smeaton meant (the rest of the world said: "what?") when he said: "The flames were going in two directions ... You know when you're younger, you put a can of Lynx on the fire, and it's ventin oot like a flame thrower." Every 5th of November someone does it!!

322. You have no idea what Euro size 32, 34, 36 actually is when compared to 6, 8, 10 and 12 etc?

323. You feel uncomfortable when the cashier packs your bags for you, and secretly you consider this to be very inefficent since he/she should concentrate on helping the next customer.

324.You don't mind letting people know what you're planning on doing when you go to the bathroom (I'm just going for a pee...)

325. You get on very well with your neighbours but you'll still bitch about them at any opportunity.

326.You love "See You Jimmy" hats just as much as the tourists.

327. You were proud (but not shouting from the rooftops) about Scotland when you lived there, but once you moved out, you consider Scotland to be some sort of paradise where everything is perfect - unlike your new country of residence.

328. You tell Americans that you're Scottish and get annoyed when they say "Me too!".

329. You think it's perfectly normal to watch 15 adverts in one commercial break.

330.You know that once south of the border you have to search high and low just to get a packet of Regal King Size smokes...

331.You're most likely to call your daughter Sophie and your son Lewis (so the stats say?).

332. You know that if someone says: "Do you want a drink?" you say "no" at first (they may be saying this out of politeness). You need to wait for "are you sure?", now you can say "yes", they really do want to buy you a drink!

333. Ye ken what a quine and a loon are and you also know that 'ken' is not a person.If ye dinna ken ken, then ye jist dinna ken!

334. Your halloween lantern is made from a neep, not a pumpkin.

335. Older people say "Cheerio" instead of bye.

336. You laugh at the irony of it, Scotland's waters are full of oil and we pay the highest fuel prices in the world; £1 a litre, WTF! If anyone organises a demonstration, you'll be there in a second!

337. Saying goodbye on the telephone becomes a long drawn-out process; example - A "ok, well i better let you go" B "aye, nae bother" A "well, see you later" B "aye, right then" A "cheers now, bye" B "aye cheerio, speak to you tomorrow" A "right..bye".

338. The signs above the motorway don't flash "Speed kills" but "Reduce your speed and save on petrol..."

339. You desperately tried to break your “VL” within the first couple of years in high school.

340. You feel "more Scottish" if you were born further north than someone else...

341. You know all the words to Deacon Blue's song "Dignity".

342. You sang "My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean", "Three Craws sat upon a Wa’", “Ally Bally Bee” and "Hey Jock Ma Cuddy" when you were a bairn/wean.

343. Your train or bus commute in winter is spoiled by everyone thoughtlessly coughing and sneezing.

344. If you live outside Scotland you're affronted by the mere idea of having to work on the 2nd of January.

345. You know that Fud is not a short bald guy with a shot gun in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

346. Your Scottish remembrance poppy doesn't have a wee leaf like the English poppy.

347. Your fave English seaside resort is Blackpool and you've been to this tack-fest of a town at some point in your life for a holiday!

348. You've been smacked in public by your parents when as a child you had a tantrum/did silly things!

349. You are pished and NOT pissed.

350. You have to repeat yourself to the English 'person' when they say "Could you say that in English, please?"

351. You know one of the most offensive things you can say to another Scot is "Yer Maw".

352. You get annoyed when you see non-Scots dancing to the Proclaimers' 500 Miles. How dare they try to steal our song!

353. You love quiz games. You especially love a pub quiz, that delicious combo of challenging your brain while at the same time destroying it!

354. You know that Scotland is the home of golf.

355. Barry ken's, an Ken's barry aboot it...

356. You're disgusted by the thought of a pub closing at 11pm.

357. You think Frankie Boyle should be made PM instead of that idiot Gordon Brown!

358. You leave Scotland, even if it's just for a few months, everyone decides to give u wee Scottish pressies to remind u where ur from!

359. You whistle "Everybody in the world loves Irn Bru..." whilst shaving.

360. You are proud of the warmth of your hat/scarf/gloves combo.

361. You know Hotshot Hamish could take Roy of the Rovers any day o' the week.

362.You head into the festival every year determined not to get pissed off with all the tourists, this usually lasts until your walk to work on August 1st takes 20 minutes longer than it should (Edinburgh only).

363. You know the hopes of the nation rest on the shoulders of eleven men in dark blue.

364. In addition to weather forecasts you have midge forecasts.

365. When you ask if someone is "taking the mickey..." and the non-scots look really confused! You "footer" with things (and that has nothing to do with word processing).

366. Living outside Scotland, EVERY time you even hint that it's cold someone says "you should be used to it"!!!

367. Even though you live 440 miles away you still travel home to have your children cos you want it to say Scotland on their birth certificate.

368. You've heard the tinny jingle of the Cornetto song blaring in your area and then thought "Yippee the ice-cream van" and run off in search of it to gorge on sweets, mr whippy etc. Plus your "icey" was like a mobile supermarket selling loads of stuff you wouldn't expect!

369. You get annoyed when foreigners (mostly Americans) say, "Where's Scotland again? Oh yeah! It's in England isn't it?!"

370. Your bread of choice is probably Mother's Pride Scottish Plain/Pan bread.

371. Ye kin fall aboot pished withoot spilling yer drink.

372. There's always a muurrrder on the Scottish news...depressingly.

373. It can be raining and sunny at the same time.

374. Reading the TV listings you're a little confused by strangely named programmes like De A-Nis? Rapal, Cunntas, Eorpa etc and then you realise it's Gaelic shows. (Except Gaelic speakers).

375. You take the low road but you urge others to take the high road.

376. As a kid you had a pile of 'the singing kettle' videos?? or you have been to see them live:
Spout, handle, lid of metal...whats inside the siiiiiiiiingiiiiing kettle!

378. You loved Scottish cartoons like Family Ness. You thought the best superhero was (the Scottish!) SuperGran! Much better than Bananaman, He-man etc.

379. You go to a restaurant with your girlfriend/wife and she says: "I'm full" with half of her meal still uneaten. You sigh and start eatin it because you have paid for it.

380. You measure distances in minutes. "Aye hen, if you jist walk for 5 minutes oer there and 2 minutes down the hill you'll be there".

381. You can't pass a chip/kebab shop without slaverin when you're blootered!

382. You attend a family function in the USA dressed in a Kilt etc and all your wee cousins' mates want you to do the Braveheart " You can take oor lives but u cannae take oor freedom" - you do it so much it becomes your party piece.

383. if you live abroad you you feel the urge to post 30+ calendars to all your friends & family back in Scotland every Christmas.

384. You know you are no longer someone's friend when you disappear from their Christmas Card list!

385. Giving someone a compliment is saying they're not daft or stupid.

386. You watch Scotland lose and take it on the chin, applaud the world champions and move on with a wee drinkie and a sense of perspective rather than the English approach of getting yir arse skelped by a tiny team then greeting like a bunch of weans for weeks all over the TV.

387. You are in a club and everyone starts going mental shouting "Here we, here we, here we fucking go!".

388. You don't sigh when something goes wrong you let out an exasperated "Och"!

389. You're so pished on Hogmanay that it is only when you find your arms linked belting out "Auld Lang Syne" in a circle that you realise it's the new year!

390. You can talk about going to the pictures and know your Scottish friends know you're on about what those from 'down south' call the cinema!!

391. You know on Hogmanay strange things happen: taxi fares miraculously double or treble, clubs and bars become "wan in wan oot", drinks are suddenly double the price, it starts to rain, we lose our friends in the crowds, kiss and hug some random strangers wishing them "happy new year"....and after all that we look forward to the next one!

392. Seeing a copy of "The Sunday Post" in a newsagent (south of the border) makes your weekend!

393. You live outside Scotland and new people you meet immediately tell you of any other Scots in the area. "Oh yes, the librarian called Maggie I think she's Scottish".

394. You have a steak pie for your dinner on New Year's Day.

395. You greet a stranger by calling them "there". E.g. "Hi there". A celeb Scot that does it all the time is Lorraine Kelly.

396. You learned to swear before you learned how to count.

397. You can make entire sentences with just swear words. Also you often put swear words in the middle of words.... Fanfukntastic! absofuknlutely!

398. You love to say sorry. You say it to each other all the time. When you can't decide whether to walk through a door before someone or not. Even when you've not got the exact change; "Sorry I've only got £20" WTF!

399. You go 'Doon the water'!Ah yes summer booze cruises fae sunny Glasvegas to Largs/Dunoon/Greenock! (Just Weegies)

400. You've lived there all your life, but never want to leave - at least not for long.

401. It's not "mum and dad" but "ma and pa," "ma and da," "maw and paw," or "mither and faither."

402. You know the right response to 'yoo dancin' is 'yoo askin', followed by 'am askin' and finally 'then am dancin!!'.

403. Not only do you know who John Smeaton is, but would buy him a pint of Tennents at any avaliable opportunity;Your favourite Smeato phrase is "Ye come tae Glasgow and we'll set aboot ye."

404. You know that whenever you see sawdust it reminds you of pools of vomit because that's what the "jannies" used to chuck on it. They also took great pleasure in confiscating footballs and chucking salt on your ice slide...killjoys.

405. You meet another Scot outside Scotland that you don't even know you always chat to them like you were best mates.

406. You've lived in America for years but still laugh when you hear them say "fanny-pack".

407. You love to sook a soor ploom...(and pan drops, oddfellows, toffee, tablet...etc)

408. You know what a wee skelf is.

409. You ask directions in Dunfermline and after telling you how to get there they say ''kangarangpal'' and you instantly know what it means.

410. Your favourite pasta is...macaroni cheese! You also eat it in pies!

411. You live in England they nag you to say "six" because they think it sounds like "sex".

412. Lots of street names have "wynd" "glen" "ness" "loch" or "brae" in them. You get the picture...

413. You feel the urge for a sausage supper in England and hate having to specify that the sausage is battered. You also get mad at the sausage size and feel ripped aff!

414. The only surname Glaswegians have is "Bytheway". E.g. Hullo, my name's Jimmy Bytheway"

415. You know a "nippy sweetie" is someone (usually female) who tends to over-react and take offence if you say something that she doesn't agree with.

416. You know if someone asks you if you have any "sweeties", they are asking for drugs usually ecstasy, so be careful.

417. If someone is obstructing a television screen, you or someone else will likely shout "move oot the way, bawheid!" or "Yer no a windae!!".

418. You know "it's awfy close" doesn't mean its nearby.

419. Your heart sinks on finding out your hotel only does "continental" breakfast (even though it's healthier).

420. You become enraged when an English person calls tablet "fudge"...it's feckin tablet!

421. Out dining with your Scottish family everyone has to try a wee bit of each person's plate!

422. You know Rab C is about to say something at once profound, heartfelt and nonsensical when he starts a sentence with “See when you get right doon tae it ...” When he utters the words “I will tell you this, boy ...”, his target is in for an ear-bashing.

423. You can properly pronounce the following:
Kirkcaldy,St.Enoch,Sauchiehall,Auchinairn and AwFurFuckSake....

424. You had to "line up" in the playground and the teachers would get competitive and try desperately to have a straighter line.

425. If you have married an Englishman (and much as you love him) you feel the need to apologise to anyone Scottish you meet....

426. You live "down south" you get genuinely upset when you have to put on official forms that your country of normal residence is England.

427. People "down south" think you're really rude when in fact all you're doing is taking the piss and everyone knows that the more you take the piss, the more you like someone - don't they?

428. You are spoilt by the amazingly beautiful scenery that you wake up to every morning anywhere in Scotland, so much so that you can't fully appreciate those hills that the English find "absolutely amazing".

429. The Mc and Mac section of the Yellow Pages is huge!

430. You can't resist a flutter on the Grand National or Scottish Grand National and you're always swayed by the name rather than form. You'll bet on any Scottish-related name like "Highland Mist", "Thistle do Nicely" etc.

431. You get £200 to learn something new, you have to live in Scotland though...www.ilascotland.org.uk

432. You pronounce Primark properly; "preemark" not "prymark"!

433. You try to get someone's attention by shouting "here..."

434. The best garden is the "Beechgrove Garden".

435. It's around 11, you're peckish and you think
"Caramel log or caramel wafer?"

436. No matter how far you live from Scotland, you always speak about going up the road or going back doon the road!

437. A couple of days of sunshine is called a "heatwave" and actually makes the national news and tabloid front pages.

438. You lose respect for a groom that doesn't wear a kilt to his wedding.

439. You swear on your "mammy's life" that you're telling the truth.

440. Somebody ye know has used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.

441. You can bounce in six inch heels all night and still walk home in your bare feet.

442. You can brave the howling Scottish weather on a night out in just a shirt or skimpy dress.

443. You can join other mad Scots every New Year's Day doing a "loony dook" to celebrate the beginning of a new year.

444. You don't do the groceries or shopping, you do the "messages".

445. There's a good chance you stick out on foreign beaches if you have "peely wally" skin.

446. You are unique! "Wha's like us? Damn few and they're a' deid!"

447. You think dating someone you haven't had drunken sex with yet is a bit backwards.

448. You say "yous" for you plural.

449. You know we have a secret martial art called "Fuck-You" which consists mostly of head-butting and kicking your opponent while they are on the ground.

450. You speak Gaelic and you know every person on the Mod program/gaelic kids tv/any music related program(Gaelic Speakers Only).

451. You remember all the Katie Morag stories your grannie read you when you were a wean.

452. The men's urinal is used as a makeshift bin. Some manky basturt always spits their chuggy, drops sweety wrappers, fags etc into it.

453. walking in the woods/countryside you're constantly watching out for the "jaggies" and end up covered in "sticky willies". You go searching for the mythical dock leave to relieve your nettle stings :)

454. You get all confused and tongue tied@the supermarket checkout when the cashier says "How are you today?". Do they really want to know how you're feeling or are they just saying that because they have to?

455.You've been sitting quietly on the train/bus and then a drunk man sits beside ye..telling ye a 'joke' ..and saying "I'm no annoying ye am a hen/pal?" You: "Not at all...yer fine...'a think this is ma stop!!"

456. You think it's normal to have rhyming road signs saying "Twenty's Plenty" etc.

457. English people consider you bilingual because only you can understand other Scots.

458. You visit relations who have just had a family member pass away... and you take a plate of sandwiches, plain bread mind.

459. You spent the summer holidays howkin on the berry fields and tattie holidays howkin tatties.(NE Coasters only)

460. You know "Fan'dabi'dozi" isn't a foreign tourist resort but a great way to describe a brilliant thing.

461. You think "Wee Jimmy Krankie" is the most Scottish person in the world.

462. You know "Jakie" is the lowest form of Scot. You can spot a Jakie a mile off and briskly walk across the street while a poor hapless tourist gets caught.

463. Tourists ask you for directions, you tell them where it is (even if you don't know).You don't want to show them that you have no idea what they are talking about.

464. You have "Flower of Scotland" on your iPod.

465. You know Weegies love to say pure in every sentence, in all situations, in place of "very". E.g. "that's pure pish" "ah'm pure knackered" "she's a pure ride".

466. You laugh at tourists who have chosen a seat on the top level of the open top tour buses as they get soaked by some good Scottish rain.

467. You are an expert at "skimming" stanes because most Scottish beaches are just full o' stanes and with no sunbathing due to poor weather it was the only fun thing to do when you were a wean/bairn!

468. You sit and read long lists about what it's like to be Scottish and actually enjoy it. You laugh at all the silly things we Scots do. ;)

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